Cindy Ruth(less)

now that the camping trip is over there’s almost nothing to look forward anymore. my cousin/aunt/uncle might come down for thanksgiving, but even then are only staying 1 day. apart from that my life is a constant barrage of school, work, and getting bitched at.

considering my parents demanded i see a therapist just to be able to go on this one night trip, i don’t even know what kind of stuff i’d have to do to go up to denton.

i’d never say this out loud, because then it might be real, and then i’d really have nothing to look forward to, but i’m pretty sure there’s no way i can go back to denton in january. there it’s done.

i feel like i am stuck in this shitty life, and i can see clearly the way out, but it just amounts to dollar signs. which i don’t have. it’s like this huge stiring of related things that are just keeping me from being able to make decisions for myself.

school is a bitch cause i have to be full time to have health insurance and to defer my student loans. but i can’t go back to unt because i owe them money, which i can’t pay off because i am trying to pay off my credit card, which i can’t pay off because i can’t work full time because i am going to school.

i can’t live wherever i want because i can’t afford rent, school, and my debt, and i can’t commute anywhere because my parents have the title to my car.

i know this sounds like a lot of excuses, but really they have me under their thumb pretty damn good with the car/money thing.

i mean what else am i supposed to do? drop out of school, pay back my loans on top of my debt,pay for rent somewhere, be uninsured, and have no car? if that’s my only other option… then i guess this is better than nothing.

and the worst part about all of it is no one here gives a shit about me. the only people who appreciate me and want to see me succeed are in denton.

blah whatever. life sucks and then you die. maybe i should just say goodbye now and avoid it later. maybe they don’t care as much as i think they do, and i’m just the one doing all the caring anyways.

maybe i’m not really the best judge of what will make me happy, and maybe… happiness doesn’t exist.